Parenting Advice Needed
Okay parents…I need your help. I’m a few weeks (bezrat haShem) from giving birth, and my eldest daughter (age 6 1/2) is causing me some great distress….I’d appreciate any advice.
Firstly, she is a very smart girl. She is doing well in first grade, and seems to be enjoying herself. I sit down with her nearly everyday to do her homework, and I try to read to her as often as possible. When we don’t get to read, it is usually because I’ve given her (and her little sister) some extra time playing outside at the park.
The problem is that she is very self-centered/egocentric. The list of ways which this reveals itself is extensive, but here are three examples…involving me, her sister and a neighbor.
- When we were in the US, we were going to go boating. As I walked down to the water I fell and sprained my ankle. Her only response was “come on eema, we need to get in the boat.”
- She didn’t like sleeping alone (suddenly) on the top bunk, so she asked her sister if she could share the bottom bunk, little sister agreed (they have been sleeping together off and on now for a few weeks). When she was sleeping on the extra pull out bed last night, little sister asked if she could join her and she said no. When I reminded her that little sister had let her share a bed, she acted like that was irrelevant.
- We don’t own a car, and we are very lucky that our neighbor takes her son to the same school and our big girl. She has offered to take her most mornings, which makes our schedule much easier. Twice a week we take their son home (by taxi). Last week my daughter said (in front of the boy). “Do we have to take him, I don’t like boys…I don’t want him in the taxi. ” I told her that we are doing a favor, just like they are, and that she should be polite and not behave that way. She just got more belligerent and continued to bad mouth him. It is an embarrassment to me and truthfully, he is a very good kid–maybe a bit more pampered than my girls, but a good kid. His mother said to me a few days later that her son has been really upset my by daughter’s behavior and he didn’t want her to come with them. If she looses her ride, we are going to be in a very tough situation trying to get her to work and still get to both of our jobs on time.
and the worst example by far…
So, the bottom line is that she is very focused on herself, and refuses (even when repeatedly asked) to look at the situation from the other’s point of view. How do you teach a child like this?
I suspect that many kids that age are that self-absorbed. Most of them grow out of it.
I wish I knew how to make it happen sooner. Does your approval/disapproval seem to have any effect on her?
Comment by Leah Gabrielle — November 19, 2007 @ 12:43 pm
Liza asked me to take a look at this. As I have a sweet but incredibly self centered 7 1/2 year old in the 2nd grade. It isn’t unusual at all at this age. Especially for girls, I think.
I say if K can’t make the proper decision that I will make it for her if it is a serious enough situation. Or that her choices have consequences, the choice to be unkind is still hers to make, but it will be accompanied by a negative consequence. It doesn’t always work. Don’t be discouraged. And don’t be embarrassed. You really can’t control how your child chooses to act at any particular point in time. Your response is what matters and what others will judge you according to (if you are concerned as to how you are perceived as a mom). The best you can do is set an example in the way you act, and to set clear and easy-to-understand expectations with clear and easy-to-understand consequences when those expectations aren’t met.
Also, may I STRONGLY suggest that you give amazing amounts of positive reinforcement and feedback when she DOES act as you expect. Many of us make the mistake of not commenting because our child is “just doing what they are supposed to anyway”. Keep in mind that for many children, like mine, acting the way they should is often a challenge and praise will give you a better shot of a repeat performance.
Good luck, and remember, she is just a child with a child’s view on the world. Try not to attach adult intentions to her actions. She may just not be thinking. What would be malicious coming from an adult is just a child learning and feeling out different ways of being, acting, reacting. It’s all natural and they need to count on the people they love and trust to let them know when the way they act is not ok.
Hope this helps!!
Comment by nrg — November 27, 2007 @ 3:49 pm
Oy. I wish I knew what to suggest. I think it’s good that you explain to her though and just keep reminding her about the Importance of sharing and being thougtful of other ppl.
When you leg hurt you can say, mummy’s leg has a boobo and it hurts and I can’t walk as fast as you.
so, how many weeks are left? I’m due January 12th…
I’m so scared of being a mother of two. I have no clue how i’ll cope.
Comment by Orli — November 27, 2007 @ 8:25 pm
I was the oldest, with a younger brother and younger sister–because I was the oldest, I felt privileged and thought the world should revolve around me, and certainly not the younger siblings (of whom I was insanely jealous–after all, I’d been the Only Child for four years before Mom went to some place called ‘the hospital’ and purchased two more of these smelly little things that cried and took all of her attention away from me ).
My mother handled it by giving me more chores, reminding me that I had to set an example, and when I did something incredibly self-centered, she gave me That Look which said to me that we’d be talking about this later–something I dreaded, because she pulled no punches in telling me I was selfish, or hurtful, or mean to somebody. I had enough of a conscience to feel badly about it, and also to feel badly about behaving badly.
All I can suggest is to call her on it–consistently.
Comment by aliyah06 — November 27, 2007 @ 8:38 pm
This is killing me…
My short, yet complex advice:
Do the right thing, for the right reason all the time. Kids are sharp.
Comment by Jay — November 28, 2007 @ 4:48 pm
I was expecting a lot worse from that introduction! I think that with our oldest we often have unrealistic expectations. It sounds like you are worried about how cooperative she will be when the baby is born be”H.
I think that the next time your daughter says something unpleasant in public (or otherwise), I would make a short comment and leave the rest for a quiet time, like right before bed. Emphasize feelings, both hers, yours and the boy’s, but like the commenter above said, try not to be embarrassed. It’s okay for her not to want to help, or not to like a neighbor. She can’t help those things. We have those feelings too, and you can give examples of how you deal with them. Remember that at this age their feelings change very quickly, and her comments about to do with him in the first place. But we have to realize that their feelings change quickly. And don’t feel guilty about not spending enough time with her–that is not going to make it easier to deal with her as she will pick up on it. You’re headed for hufshat ledah and hopefully, if the baby cooperates, you will have more relaxed time with her after the first few weeks.
Comment by mother in israel — November 28, 2007 @ 6:39 pm